Lost in Self Doubt

Life comes with challenges for us to learn from. I have had many challenges come my way from my many experiences in college, breakups, moving to Hawaii, New Zealand and Australia. I always had a great attitude about it because you learn so much about yourself by experiences; good & bad. You can always make a new decision today that can better your life.

I never doubted my decisions until this year. Early in this year I kept making decisions out of fear that put me in living situations that compromised my health & happiness. In February, I started feeling hopeless & lost. I lost faith in my own intuition. I felt like I lost my own ability to make decisions for me thrive physically, mentally, and spiritually. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe. It’s like you’re lost in a maze and you keep questioning every decision. This can lead to feelings of hopelessness, fear, and despair. Eventually you question yourself so much that you just stop trying & depression sets in. You start living your life paralyzed by fear & self doubt.

I know this situation will end eventually, all is impermanent. A huge part of me wants to move back to Australia & start making decisions out of love instead of fear of failure or not having enough money. A part of me wants to move back to the central coast of California and a part of me wants to stay in Colorado Springs with family. I keep bouncing back n forth in my decision. Thank you to my family & friends for your patience & love while I try to figure out the next step in my life. 🙏🏻

With aloha,


Attitude Adjustment

Entitled, bitter, and upset

I cause my own suffering

What’s the antidote for this mental condition?


How could I lose sight of all the things I could be grateful for?

Grateful for my job

Grateful for friends and family

Grateful for life & it’s infinite possibilities

The conditions of happiness are always available at any moment

Even through the darkest times we can cultivate joy through gratitude

We can bring our breath back to this exact moment

Peace & joy can only be found in the here and now

With aloha,




The illness of our times

Our minds wander to the future

Grasping for control

Wanting to know what will happen

The truth is that the future is completely unwritten

Because of impermanence, anything is possible

Let’s stop trying to control the uncontrollable

If we want a better future, we must take care of the present moment

With aloha,



Transformation is all around us

But we don’t see it

A caterpillar turns to a butterfly

A seed to a flower

A cloud to rain

Humans have this ability as well

We have the ability to transform our suffering to joy

The ability to change & growth through challenging situations

I Have a Gambling Addiction

One of the fastest growing addictions in the world is gambling addiction

With more availability than ever, more people are going through challenging circumstances because of this addiction

Many lose their house, job, and family

Some even lose their life to this addiction

1 in 4 attempt suicide, the most out of any addiction

Losing money from gambling is tough to deal with but nothing compares to the guilt, shame, and regret that haunts you

I’m 3 weeks sober right now

I’m determined not to gamble

I have lost 50k in my lifetime but also have put untold stress and anxiety on myself because of this addiction

My life purpose is on the line

True freedom is not the freedom to self destruct

But to be free of our addictions running and ruining our life

With aloha,


Relapse & Addiction

It’s been two weeks since I last gambled

Addiction rarely ends over night

It’s a journey that can bring you to your knees

Humble you

Open your heart & mind

I must see the flashing lights of the casinos as bait to a fish

The casino’s hook dragging me into debt, despair, regret and suffering

I must see gambling as self destruction instead of an illusion of pleasure

If I can be mindful & remind myself each day of the self destruction of gambling

Then I will be free to live my life without the burden of financial debt & despair

Freedom is a requirement for true happiness, whether that be financial or mental

To truly touch happiness, we must let go of old habits, thoughts, and ways of living that cause us suffering

With aloha,


Attachment: The Root of Our Suffering

Attachment is at the root of all suffering

Attachment to youth

Attachment to wealth

Attachment to our spouse, family & friends

Attachment to life itself

If attachment is the root of all suffering..

What is the root of joy?

Freedom is the root of joy

Freedom not to hurt ourself or others but freedom from fear, anger, and hatred running and ruining our lives

Liberation from old ways of thinking & doing that make us miserable

Today is the day to start changing, even small changes can lead to huge results in time

When we look at nature, we see that everything is impermanent.

Even our own sun has a shelf life

So why do live as if relationships, wealth, family members, and our own life will last forever?

If we live a full life, one life is enough.

With aloha,


Outdated Identity

We spend our life building our identity.

From a very early age; the music, tv, & friend group shape our identity. What we consume, becomes part of us.

But we often struggle with letting go of this identity, even when this identity is responsible for the destruction of our own joy.

We fear that if we let go of this outdated idea of who we are that we lose ourself in the process.

But the truth is that old identity was never truly us.
It was shaped by our family, culture, religion and media

So who do we truly want to become?
Do we want to self destruct our own lives clinging to the past?
Or do we want to liberate ourself & embrace a new life that is inline with our values & vision?
The first step is to release that you are worth taking care of.
Your life & happiness does matter.

The chose is ours, even minute of each day.
We can always change at any moment
Even the smallest shifts can snowball into a radically different life.

If not now, then when?

With aloha,


Sitting With Uncertainty

There might be a heaven
There might be reincarnation
Or there could be nothing
I do not claim to know anything for certain
When I am firm with a belief of what happens after life
I lose all grace
I lose all faith
I lose all wonder

Instead of claiming to know anything

I sit closely to uncertainty

And whole universe opens itself to me

It’s everlasting wisdom humbles me each day

Be weary of those who claim to know anything for certain

With aloha,