Category: gambling addiction

The Road to Recovery.

You have always been there for me

When I was lonely

When I was bored

When I was in pain

Relieving me of stress

Allowing me to focus

Stimulated my mind

Thank you for your attempts to distract me from my suffering

But I have to let you go

The momentary relief you give me leads to more suffering in the end

You will always be part of my story but it’s time to turn the page

It’s time to start a new chapter of self love & service to others

It’s a long road to recovery but it’s a worthwhile journey

The alternative is self destruction

With aloha,

Johnny

The Void Within

Fill the hole in my heart

Fill the deep gap within my soul

Take away the discomfort

Numb me to my suffering

Distract me

Comfort me

I don’t want to feel anymore

Consumption of drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling or junk food seems to be the solution to our pain

Temporarily they are good numbing agents, that’s what hooks us in; especially when we first try them at an early age

But in the end it causes more suffering & new financial & health problems

Like quick sand we can fall deeper & deeper into the depths of addiction

With aloha

Johnny

No Bad Parts

I have looked deep inside

Into my angry

Into my addictions & impulses

Into the darkest parts of me

What I saw was profound

These parts formed to protect me from loneliness, pain, and despair

They didn’t realize how much destruction they would cause in the long run

There are truly no bad parts of me

Or any of us

Even the darkest parts have their origin stories

Forged in trauma from childhood & early adulthood

The only way to heal them is to first acknowledge them

To love them, show compassion to them, and take care of them like a loving parent to a child

Check out the Internal Family System from Richard Schwartz & his book “No Bad Parts”.

With aloha,

Johnny

I Have a Gambling Addiction

One of the fastest growing addictions in the world is gambling addiction

With more availability than ever, more people are going through challenging circumstances because of this addiction

Many lose their house, job, and family

Some even lose their life to this addiction

1 in 4 attempt suicide, the most out of any addiction

Losing money from gambling is tough to deal with but nothing compares to the guilt, shame, and regret that haunts you

I’m 3 weeks sober right now

I’m determined not to gamble

I have lost 50k in my lifetime but also have put untold stress and anxiety on myself because of this addiction

My life purpose is on the line

True freedom is not the freedom to self destruct

But to be free of our addictions running and ruining our life

With aloha,

Johnny

Self Destruction

I was put on this earth for a reason

To reduce suffering

To bring joy to others

To see the oneness in everything

A wave realizing it’s the ocean

Energy flows within myself like an infinite river going out to sea

Many years ago, a dying star supernova gave life to myself & everything on earth

Life is precious according to me so why wait to become a better version of myself?

The time is now for change & growth

Why waste my one precious life harming myself?

Drowning myself in substances, junk food, and self destructive habits

I see my ego wanting to self destruct

All it wants is pleasure & to avoid pain

But I know I’m much more than my ego

I also have a divine Buddha sitting within myself

Patiently waiting

It doesn’t want to harm my ego, that would only feed the anger, hatred, and fear

It loves the darkest side of me with light of a billion stars

With aloha,

Johnny

Dreams

Here I lay

Listening to the soft voice of a yin yoga teacher

In a deep meditation

An American backpacker in a distant land

Byron Bay is the perfect place for those who are searching for self knowledge

A place to heal emotional wounds.

So here I lay in a dark yoga studio

Suddenly tears come down my cheeks

My inner Buddha speaking clearly without the distractions interfering

If I don’t let go of gambling

I let go of my dreams

I let go of my happiness & freedom

My life will read as a tragedy if I don’t change my ways

I’m 6 weeks sober from gambling

Turning my life around 1 day at a time

With aloha,

Johnny Hoffman

Indentured Servitude

I’m an indentured servant in the 21st century

Not to a single person

But to my discover and capital one credit cards

Commercials taught me I needed these precious cards

They they would bring me joy

The opposite was true

For every time I gambled

The shackles on my wrists got tighter

Everytime I mindlessly consumed

The shackles got tighter

The thousands I spent at coffee shops was all to dig myself deeper into financial slavery


Until one day I awoke to my servitude

Realizing my freedom has been stripped from me slowly each day from my unwise decisions

Now aware

I will be more mindful

I will practice discipline

I will practice compassion

I will practice transparency

I will break from indentured servitude

One day at a time


With aloha,

Johnny

The Mind of An Addict.

Looking for a quick fix.

Pacifiers to numb me.

Numb me from my fears.

Numb me from my insecurities.

 

Cover the pain deep in my heart.

Patch my broken soul.

Give me that rush of dopamine.

 

Silence the endless stream of anxiety.

Shine your light into the darkness of my depression.

Even if it’s only for a moment.

Will you please end my suffering?