Infinite space.
Infinite time.
Infinite possibilities.
The darkness of a black hole.
The blinding light of a quasar.
A massive star becomes a supernova.
A supernova transforms into a pulsar.
Dancing light into the darkness.
Does the Universe mourn the dying star?
Or does it celebrate the supernova for giving birth to new life?
Does a star truly die?
Or can it only transform?
For I am stardust.
Born from a dying star.
Dancing into the darkness.
6 years have passed.
Today it feels like 6 seconds.
I pick up the phone.
Shock. Disbelief. Tears.
So unexpected. Tragedy.
The pain of losing a great young man too soon.
Tears.
Sadness.
Because your life gave us joy.
You taught us that life is impermanent.
You taught us gratitude for every moment alive.
You showed us that life can be taken away at any given moment.
You taught us to not take our friends for granted.
Thank you for being an amazing friend.
A second big brother to me.
I could always count on you.
Thank you, Mayur (Kumar) Sarhad.
You live on through your brother Veeral.
You live on through your parents.
You live on through your friends.
When we walk, you walk.
When we breathe, you breathe.
When we smile, you smile.
Does a cloud die when it turns into rain, ice, or snow? Or can it only transform?
Love you bro,
Johnny Hoffman
A wave hits.
The wind howls.
A shark lurks in the darkness.
The storm surrounds me.
Will I sink into the darkness?
I throw my anchor into the depths of the sea.
No wave can break me.
No wind can push me.
No shark can hurt me.
No storm will out last my anchor.
Whenever times are tough, I can bring my focus back to my anchor.
My anchor of mindful breathing.
This anchor will be with me until my last moment.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
On a dark & stormy night, a lost ship sees a lighthouse in the distance.
The sailors can barely see the light at first, for the light is blinded by dark clouds surrounding the ship. They slowly begin their journey to shore.
The lighthouse does not judge the sailors lost at sea.
The lighthouse does not force the lost ship to shore.
The lighthouse just keeps shedding its light in order for others to see out of the darkness.
Do not bend to strong winds.
Do not worry about powerful waves.
Do not sink into the ocean of darkness.
Focus your energy on making your light stronger and clearer.
The stronger the light, the better those lost will be able to see the shore.
Be confident. Be patient.
Allow them to make the long and challenging voyage to shore.
Become the lighthouse.
Become the light for others to see out of the darkness.
But first, you must acknowledge the lighthouse within your heart.
The light within your true nature.
I cried.
I begged.
I promised I would change.
I poured my heart out.
I suffered alone.
How could you not want me back?
Why can’t you forgive me?
How could you be so cold?
How could you be so heartless?
Welcome to heartbreak.
The heartbreak of rejection.
The sadness of regret.
The pain of looking in the mirror.
Self-hatred.
Anxious days.
Depressed nights.
Through the pain, I learned how to be the lotus flower.
For the lotus flower grows in muddy waters.
Through suffering comes joy.
Through suffering comes peace.
Through suffering comes transformation.
No mud, no lotus.
My heart is now filled with gratitude.
Thank you for letting me suffer and grow.
Thank you for letting me go three years ago.
Thank you, Alicia.
Hope all is well.
With Aloha,
Johnny Hoffman
Backstory: 3 years ago in Feb 2015 my life changed forever. I finally told my fiance that I cheated on her. She left me that day. I felt heartbroken, fearful, and anxious. I had to sit with myself. Sit with the anxiety, pain, and loneliness. Sit with the self-hatred. Through that suffering I found a new way of life. A one of meditation, mindfulness, and joy.
(Main photo: Kanye West, 808’s & Heartbreaks)
In Buddhism, there is the concept of Buddha Nature. Buddha Nature is a state of true compassion, peace, joy, and love for all living beings. Buddha Nature is something we are born with but lose sight of as society covers it with misconceptions, beliefs, myths, and fear.
Who did you want to be when you were a child? Before your family, friends, and your culture told you what to be? The photo above is me playing with Andy circa 1993.
Over the last couple months, I have dealt with old emotional wounds that lay deep inside me from childhood. It wasn’t easy but was much needed for my emotional health and to be at peace. In this difficult & turbulent time period, I also awakened to my inner child inside of me. I started remembering who I was at that time period and who I wanted to be as an adult.
As a small child, I remember envisioning myself to be a kind, strong, healthy, and compassionate adult who helped others. I idolized police officers, firemen, sports athletes, and ninjas for their strength, humility, and bravery. They were peaceful warriors to me who showed strength and compassion. Superheroes like Spiderman, Superman, and Batman emphasized strength, compassion, and humility. They protected the most vulnerable.
As a small child, I remember loving animals so much. I loved all different types of animals with full-hearted compassion. I never would want to hurt another life form. I still remember the day my parents told me what beef was and I was horrified that a cow died and that the juice was cows blood. The day I found out about factory farming was a traumatic experience. I couldn’t believe such a barbaric, inhumane, and unethical institution was allowed. I didn’t realize I could become a vegan to protect the most vulnerable until I was an adult. I suppressed this traumatic experience and continued to eat meat for the next 15 years. This post isn’t all about veganism but veganism is what sparked my transformation into diving deep into my inner child. By showing the most vulnerable (animals) true compassion by my actions I started the process of showing true compassion to myself, others, and the environment. Our true nature as children is to love animals. Society tries to turn that compassion into apathy and we are forced to accept that we have no control over the horrible things happening in the world.
Somewhere in my teens, I lost most of this inner child and I suffered tremendously for it.
I used to smile constantly, dance, be silly, and loved helping others. Around 10 years old, kids started making fun of me for smiling too much (smiley was my nickname) and adults (sports coaches) would shame me for smiling in serious situations. Soon I was taught that smiling, helping others, and being silly was feminine and weak. I started portraying myself more as a serious Mafioso than a fun loving child. My idols turned into Al Capone, Scarface, Charlie Sheen, Tupac, Lil Wayne, and Eminem. I suddenly didn’t smile much anymore, only grind danced, and didn’t help others because no one is helping me. I started not to give a f$%# about anymore, including myself. Eventually, this attitude led me down the path of infidelity, substance abuse, gambling addiction, and anxiety/depression. My inner child was buried under years of fear, judgment, hatred, and myths of masculinity.
As I awaken my inner-child, I feel more inner strength and confidence than I have ever felt before. I have smiled more in the last two months than the past 5 years. I have laughed, joked, and shown love to others. I feel more at peace with myself than I have ever felt. I have finally started my journey as a Peaceful Warrior. My weapons are compassion, empathy, love, and forgiveness. I will never have the strength of Superman or the Ninja Turtles, but I can show compassion and humility to the most vulnerable as they did.
Get back to what you loved to do as a child. Figure out what motivated you and made you happy. Be silly, smile, dance, laugh, and enjoy the simple things in life again. Be curious about the world again. Let go of the stories that hold you back from achieving peace, freedom, and enjoyment in life.
With Aloha,
Johnny Hoffman
Happiness is something to become, not to acquire.
I used to think happiness was something to achieve or acquire. I would think “once I get that promotion, lose weight or graduate from college I will achieve happiness”. I achieved all of these things and found out that I was still unhappy with my life. Happiness was always around the next corner. The next promotion, weight loss, or achievement. Sure, I was very happy the month after I graduated from college, lost weight, and got a promotion within my corporate job on the mainland. This happiness was very short-lived because I wasn’t content with who I was as a person. I was holding onto years of emotional baggage, insecurities, fears, and stories of the past. Stories that only spoke of half-truths, more focused on the negative than the positive. I have learned in the last year that happiness is not something to achieve but something to become through our actions in the world. Happiness is getting out of your comfort zone. Long lasting happiness for me is living in line with my core values instead of what feels good or is more comfortable at the moment. True contentment for me is spending more time on what I’m truly passionate about and less time focused on wealth and status. Through living in line with my values, I have felt more joy than I have ever thought was possible.
Happiness is always an inside job. Your job, relationships, money, and material goods are just “icing on the cake!”. You want to make your cake(life) as delicious(happy) just the way it is. No amount of material goods, fast food, drugs, alcohol, or sex will bring long-lasting peace. These are just fillers that mask true happiness and leave us craving more and more until we feel sick inside.
This lesson was truly learned when I moved to Maui last year. I thought going to beach, hiking, and living on Maui would make my life cherry (Local slang for good). I was still not happy and I couldn’t figure why! I had to look myself in the mirror and slowly start to live in line with my values. It hasn’t been easy, but nothing great comes out of being comfortable all the time. By inquiring within, I have shown compassion, forgiveness, and love to myself. By letting go of what was causing me mental stress, I have become more peaceful.
I suggest writing down your core values on a piece of paper or word document. Next, write down what you do all day and cross-reference your values with your actions. You choose your values and you choose to live in line with them. No one is forcing you to live more intentionally other than yourself! Here are my core values and what I let go of(or added) to live inline with my values
Peace- Coffee, Sales job, unlimited data on my phone.
Compassion-Meat, dairy, eggs, and plastic water bottles.
Love- Self-hatred, and judgments.
Contribution-Started a charity:water campaign(https://my.charitywater.org/jonathan-hoffman-1/clean-water-for-all)
Health-Cigarettes, alcohol, processed foods, oils.
I don’t feel deprived at all! I drink green tea, kombucha, and eat healthy anti-oxidant rich plant foods! These are just trade-offs for a more peaceful, healthy, and happy life for myself. Everyone’s journey is different, there are no right or wrong paths but only different ones!
What are you willing to let go of to be at peace? Choose love over fear and you will find that you will be living a life you love instead of a life you fear.
Inquire within.
With Aloha,
Johnny Hoffman
How do I let you go?
A part of me still wants to be with you.
How can I be the best version of myself and still be with you?
You almost took my life a few times.
I could have gone to jail because of you… But you kept pulling me back.
I made huge mistakes while with you and caused suffering in the world.
Society wants me to be with you even though it’s not in the best interest of my mental, physical, and emotional health. Why is this?!
I see what you have done to others lives.
I spent thousands of dollars on you, putting me in financial stress and debt.
But damn, we had some good times together.
I made some great friendships because of you, but I know its time to let you go.
I’ll always remember you, but it’s time for me to end this show.
After 12 years of love, my attachment to you is no more.
I worked long hours for you for 7 years but I know in my heart it’s the end.
You were part of my journey to this point and I’m thankful for that.
I’m leaving you alcohol.
I know my vision now and you’re not part of it.
How can I alleviate suffering in the world and promote a healthy lifestyle while sipping a jack?
I’m leaving you and I don’t want you back.
Back story; I have been drinking for 12 years now, age 15-27. I worked in the alcohol industry for 7 years, age 20-27. I did many unskilled actions on alcohol in college and high school.
Mahalo,
Johnny Hoffman
I’m sorry I haven’t posted much lately. I have been working 70 hour weeks, which are both physically and mentally exhausting. I’m working on paying off my car loan so I can experience freedom from debt. I plan to start posting more often starting in February.
Happy New Year!
For every new year, there are millions of people looking to start the new year with healthier habits. Whether that be adding new healthy habits like exercise, more vegetables, meditation, etc into their daily activities. Some want to reduce or eliminate unhealthy habits like alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, gambling, screen use, etc. We can start right NOW instead of the arbitrary beginning of a new calendar year.
Our life is a sum of our habits. Luckily for us, our brain is highly malleable. Neuroscientists are proving that our brain is highly malleable to our environment and habits. By changing our habits, we rewire our brain and change our lives. Our life is not set, we can grow and change over a long period of time. We can replace old unskillful habits with new healthy habits starting right NOW.
I’m not perfect when it comes to changing my habits but I do have a good track record in changing my behavior. I went from a carnivore to a vegan in 2017, while working at a restaurant that is primarily meat-based. I lost 20lbs in 2017 and have kept it off. I started this blog and my Facebook/Instagram page “Zen Actions” and have consistently posted new content. Let’s get into a couple strategies for habitual changes as well as some pitfalls of the “all or nothing” mindset.
Start small, do what you can, and have fun.
Start small.
I, like many others, thought that we had to change our behaviors drastically overnight to achieve our vision. This led to many failed attempts because our brain is so wired to do these habits every day. Most long-lasting habitual changes start by changing our habits slowly over-time. I didn’t become a vegan overnight; I first became a Lacto-Ovo-Pescetarian (Dairy-eggs-fish) in May 2017 and slowly cut down my use of dairy in a 6 month period. Then in November 2017, I took the leap into a 100% plant-based diet. In that 6 months, I learned more about the plant-based lifestyle and how to successfully transition. I now have compassion and understanding for those who struggle to get off a meat-based diet. I still have lots of room to improve my diet by eating more whole food plants and less processed plant-based foods in 2018.
Do what you can.
I’m a single guy in my 20’s with no kids, making habitual changes slightly easier than those who have a family, elderly, or disabled. A single mom/father might not have the time to meditate 30 minutes a day every day. Someone in their 80’s might not have the energy to run a marathon. This is where most people give up on their habits. The “all or nothing” mentality prevents the single parents from starting a meditation practice even if its just mindful breathing 5 minutes a day for now. The elderly person gives up on exercise because they can’t run a marathon but they could walk for 10 minutes a day for now. You’re planting seeds that could grow with consistent and creative actions.
Have fun!
Changing your habits doesn’t have to be so serious. I joke around about being vegan all the time at work and my coworkers are intrigued by my lifestyle. I even got a local guy to eat a tofu stir fry and he really enjoyed it. The worst idea for losing weight is to choose an activity that you hate to do. If you hate running, don’t force yourself to run a mile a day. Find activities you have fun doing but burn calories like basketball, tennis, hiking, etc. If you’re not a morning person, work out at night time.
Don’t buy into societal norms that you have to be a morning person to thrive or that you have to “go big or go home”. Most people in that mindset eventually go home, lol. Many people exaggerate how much they can do in a month but underestimate what they can do in a year. By taking small steps in the right direction, we can fundamentally change our mindset, habits, and overall life. It’s not about how fast we go but in what direction we are heading. There will be times that we have to take a huge leap but for the most part, life is a continuous process of small steps.
My intention is to empower you to take conscious steps towards a more meaningful, peaceful, and joyful life.
“I have arrived. I am here. My destination in every step.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
With Aloha,
Johnny Hoffman
Aloha my brothers and sisters,
My mission is to alleviate as much suffering as I can in all living beings. It’s a lofty mission, but I’m excited to take it on as my life’s purpose. But first of all, I have to alleviate the suffering in my own life. How can I fully help others suffer less if I can’t help myself?
It has been quite a month for me. For quite some time now I have had this lingering tension on the left side of my abdominal area which reached all the way to the left side of my jaw. I couldn’t figure out why I had this tension. At first, I was numbing it with alcohol every night which was getting out of control. The alcohol worked to alleviate the tension momentarily but the following day it would reappear. I was resisting this tension, which was causing me to suffer. A couple weeks ago, I was driving to work and the tension was almost unbearable, like a thousand tightly wound knots in my abdomen. I finally surrendered to the tension and accepted it. I did more than accept it, I showed compassion and love to it. My tension went away for 15 minutes of pure bliss and joy. I felt like I was floating in the sky or on an LSD trip. I enjoyed looking at the West Maui mountains as tears of joy went down my face. Soon though, I was back to the reality of my tension in my abdomen. Something awakened in me in that moment, I had to stop resisting pain and start accepting it for me to live a more peaceful life with less suffering. I had awoken to my mission to alleviate suffering in the world.
Fast forward two weeks. My meditation practice has been stronger than ever and I’m focusing on reducing my suffering. I eliminate alcohol and porn from my life because they both contribute to my own suffering. I also switched to a plant-based diet to help reduce suffering in myself, animals, and the planet. By changing my habits and intentionally reducing suffering in the world, I invoked suffering that was deep in my subconscious.
In my deep 30 minute meditations, I suddenly find myself reliving old memories from my childhood. All of these memories are either pure rage or rumination over unskillful actions I have done in my past (stealing, cheating, lying). Instead of judging or running from these memories, I choose to accept, love, and show compassion to myself. I imagine myself as a child, filled with rage, confusion, and fear.
Pain doesn’t decompose. Pain lives in us until we confront it with love, compassion, and forgiveness. Suppressing this pain never works.
“What you resist, will persist.” -Carl Yung
What could be more logical than showing compassion, love, and forgiveness to yourself? What could be more insane than hating, judging, and running away from yourself? Clearly, we need to hold ourselves accountable for our wrongdoings but after that is done with, we must forgive and love ourselves. As a child, I would throw temper tantrums when things didn’t go my way. I would have mental breakdowns when playing golf, basketball, or even when my favorite teams lost in the playoffs. This pain still lives on within me because I suppressed and ran away from it. I judged myself and labeled my former self as a sensitive, weak, and inferior version of myself. In my teen years, I was calm and collective for the most part because I vowed to never be that inferior self again.
Yesterday afternoon I fell apart and broke down. So many emotions running through my body. So much pain, suffering, joy, and pure bliss all mixed into one moment. The tension was truly alleviated once I showed true compassion, love, and forgiveness to my darker side. Radical acceptance was key to ending my suffering and I believe it is key to alleviating the suffering of mankind. So many of us are hurt by old wounds that never properly healed. The people who hurt the most, hurt others. Almost all horrendous acts done by humankind are rooted in hurt individuals who look to cause suffering to others because they themselves are in so much pain.
I’m excited to share my journey to a more meaningful and peaceful life. I thank you all for reading this blog post. By reading this post, you help me live out my purpose to alleviate suffering in all living beings.
“When we learn how to suffer, we suffer much less.”
-Thich Nhat Hanh
With the Aloha Spirit,
Johnny Hoffman
The Narrow Path 